Back again

Ok,

I have just finished moving everything into WordPress. And I have a cold, not in the mood of doing anything. But I hope everyone will like the new look and feel of the site, and pretty soon I hope to be posting another piece of the online photo tutorial :)

I also have some photos that I took just to show the schematics on how it was shot and all. But I have to finish the posts about lighting before I do that ;)

Anyway, let’s get working, and I hope to have some interesting stuff soon :)

Jessica

Getting back on the saddle

Last time I wrote anything, was, I believe, some five to six months ago. A friend was telling me the secret for successful blogging is to keep writing constantly, to keep your audience following you regardless of what you write. But to be honest, I write when I both have the time and energy for keeping up with something. And I think this break was beneficial in some way. Allowed me to look into the subject deeply and since I do work with photography, some concerns I have about my love and profession and how to have both co-exist inside of me, not on separate planes.

You see, the professional will try to please the client at all cost, while the artist, the true photographer in me, will try to please myself. Going too much to one side, is dangerous for obvious reasons, and I’m getting tired of the “time for myself, time for the client” dichotomy that plagues so many discussions forums about professional photography. I don’t say it’s a bad advice, but it’s a bad advice for me that I took, and made me suffer much, both personally and professionally.

Coming to my own balance, which is more of co-existing my own pleasure, with that of the client, makes photography as a profession much much harder, but I think the fruits of my endeavor will pay in the future, and patience was another thing I had to learn in 2009. And the year is coming to an end, and I have to reach a new portfolio, new business card, and possibly, new composite. Just, the later, I’d love to be able to make as I need, instead of having to order a print, so, I’m contemplating not doing one just yet.

So, I’m kind of sorry for not keeping up with this blog, but this blog is about dense, long, posts, that take whole mornings, sometimes, whole days, and I recently have not had the proper time to sit down and give a whole day to this blog, for both personal and professional reasons.

Also, will be writing here exclusively, writing on other sites didn’t work, as I was being constantly pressed for new material that I don’t always have time to provide. Besides, I’m trying to make a huge point about erotic X porn photography, and writing for a site that advertises porn so much, was making it harder to get that point across I believe.

So, I’m right now working on the next article about lighting, which is not a so easy one, and will take some time. Lighting is the kind of stuff I myself own several, really, several books on the subject, and it will be hard to condensate all that I want to pass on, in a single article. So, keep in mind, I may eventually break it down further more, much more, than I originally intended.

Stay tuned, the blog is back alive and to stay!

Mentos and Mementos

Waking up drinking organic coffee is something you all should try someday. It’s really tasty for a start, and you can definitely feel the roast and all the flavors. People who know me personally, know my taste buds are awful, even if my loved one, Owner, Mistress and reason to be alive, Suzana, is doing intensive cleaning and re-education ( I’m eating more fish to start with ).

I’m here writing, drinking coffee and Susie’s package of Mentos is here on the desk. She loves this stuff, I can’t figure out why. From all minty stuff she could love, she does dig Mentos. Alongside with some credit card printouts ( those small coupons the machine tives ) from our trip to Paraty, we have to go out more. We have a few trips scheduled, nothing we have to sleep over, just to reduce cost, we have a planned trip to Thailand and Australia next year, paired with a very important surgery. If we can come up with the money in time.

Talking about which, some friends felt it could be a good idea if I got my portfolio alongside me while traveling to Australia. Of course I won’t be hired, it would be silly, but just present myself, my work, to new people across the globe. Because, Brazil is getting to a limit, and we may eventually want to move, and if we love the place as much as everyone says we will, and being a familiar faces to editors may be a good point to move my career as well. I suspect I may have a little help, which is always nice, but if I learned something on these 34 years of life on this planet, is that if you want something, you must go get it.

My rants about Brazil are somehow reminding me about Fuzzy’s rants about Denmark. Just, here there are big issues to back up the small issues I have. I have always felt kind of alien here, not conforming to how people usually think. We were discussing some things, like mandatory bribery, the amount of ceremony that goes into public affairs and the judicial system. To change my name, I’m spending months collecting evidence that a male name does not suit me properly. And, written statements from friends that as representatives of the society I live in, they do not oppose my name change. There is an inherent power leverage thing working in Brazilian society that doesn’t allow it to function as it should. If I were friends with a judge, or had a politician in the family, or were rich, this lawsuit would be much less of a burden, because I would be amongst those whose asses are to be kissed. But since I am nobody, in the sense of being just a normal citizen ( which here means, nobody ), I’m the one who have to bend over and leave lipstick marks on others.

Has always been like that. Huge farmers also collected political power. And their employees owned no land, lived on paying rent for their boss and also kissing his ass. Any favor he would ask would be simply seen by the workers and lower casts as a favor being asked by the boss, a very important man, and if you did that favor, you’d be scoring points with him, and maybe gaining more favors than your other fellow workers, and being put in a position of advantage. But on the boss’s point of view, he didn’t ask for favors, he just simply stated his wishes, and as such, being who he is, it’s normal that everyone will move heaven and earth to have it done. And indeed, it’s true. So, the worker gains no favors for doing something his or her boss thinks is only a normal natural part of things.

This kind of thinking… that who’s below kisses the ass of who’s above, and the person above thinks his ass ought to be kissed, no matter what, created the whole mechanics of modern Brazilian society, derived from it’s rural origins, and if you think of Brazil as being industrial and so on, let me remind you, Brazil was a rural power in 1910. The only real serious industrialization came in as a rush in the 1940’s and 1950’s. And if affected nothing more than maybe 20% of our territory. Meaning, this is a rural country, who elect rural representatives, who sometimes the press finds out still hold slave labor camps in their farms today. And the Brazilian rural worker was never, and still isn’t, a land owner. There is a title for huge land owners whose farms include even towns inside of them, and who are elected mayor every year without much formal ado or real competition, and that title is “Colonel”.

In the 1800’s, the emperor ( yes, while France was cutting out the heads of their kings, we were getting ourselves one… Brazil became independent from Portugal in the 1800’s – where the Portuguese prince and heir to the Portuguese throne, Pedro I, decided he would make Brazil independent and rule it as a reward, while his father ruled Portugal… that’s independence for you ) use to give to land owners the army title “Colonel”, so that they were also a presence of the state on the huge landmasses they owned, and to the population they controlled. That also gave them some sort of army-like loyalty structure ( think Sicilian mob – you know the word Capo is derived from Captain, don’t you? ). They had, and still have, an army of hit men and thugs to make sure things went accordingly to their plans.

So, is it much surprising that in the verge of 2010, Brazil has the social makeup that we see today? Travel 100km from any major city, and you’re back into the rural areas. And even in the big cities, we don’t have as of today, a true cosmopolitan reasoning, but instead, one derived from the rural way of thinking. Most of our people still don’t own land, that including, any small apartment. We pay the highest bank and loan fees in the world. We’re double and triple taxed summing up to 45% of the yearly whole GDP ( Gross Domestic Product ) and growing. And, even if we pay 15% taxes on income that go to healthcare, the public healthcare system, regardless of it’s gigantic resources, is broken down from too much people stealing from it, and a joke. So, we pay taxes like in Sweden, but live like in Bolivia. We have to pay for private health care, private education and private security ( the police doesn’t patrol our street, so, we pay a private contractor to patrol it for us ), and still have problems.

I don’t think I’m going to see much change in my lifetime here. I don’t honestly believe, during my lifespan this time, I’ll see honest politicians, the dismantling of the rural mindset, and the increase on basic education for the gross of our populations, so at least we could say 100% of our people know how to read or write, or that at least, 100% of the children that finish high school know how to read and write ( shocking? Yes, but also true – Government approved some form of automatic promotion in schools because the fail rate was just too high… that solved the impossibly high fail rates problem, and now is creating the good-fake-numbers problem ) which are crucial for change.

If I were rich, like Antony Bourdain said when he came over to São Paulo, I would be much less bothered by these affairs. First of all, my ass would be the one in the lineup for kissing. Secondly, anytime I got bothered, I’d just take a couple of weeks in Paris ( I did photo school in a rich people school… I never believed it until I saw everyone there just “took two weeks in Paris to clear up their minds” whenever they decided… or London… or NYC… or taking a US$10.000 diamond covered slipper to class for a product photoshoot when you brought a can of coke ). Bourdain at least was decent enough to see the glass wall, notice not everybody had friends who could take him on helicopter rides across town to avoid traffic jams. He made some effort to show the real deal society here, but a very watered down version of reality.

Mistress tends to say “São Paulo is what would happen if LA thew up in NYC”.

I think a city is made by it’s people. A country is made by it’s people, and no matter how much I try, it seems I can’t manage to leave a lasting effect here to at least influence the area we live in. The rural Kiss Ass mentality means everyone expects things to come top to bottom. That the Colonel will do something. And whatever he decided will be fine. It’s common to see how politicians can steal and get away, because, the normal Joe just says “If I were in his position, I would do the same”. Maybe if Joe didn’t, Joe would be outraged, and understand the money is his. Maybe, we could hope for some critical mass someday that would change the mindset.

And the truth of what is a banana republic and why it’s so, sinks deep down. And you come to understand why all Brazilian authors you like say the same, and most live outside Brazil.

There are two ways out of this mess Brazil put itself into.

GRU and GIG

São Paulo International and Rio International if you’re wondering.

Coming back here will be a huge sacrifice if we love Australia, and to be honest, it will be a temporary one.

Hey everyone

Sorry for such a long time without any updates. I have been really sad really. A couple of weeks ago, I became an year older. Yes, it was my birthday, and usually, I don’t make a big thing out of it, but this year, I tried to give it another shot. I’m getting older, not younger, and friends become more and more important as we grow older and other concerns go away. And in my case, saving every possible penny for my SRS and sorting my career at the same time, well, I felt I deserved a nice party.

There are several kinds of kids in the world. The kind who has full birthday parties and tons of friends who, even if they don’t last long, they seem to be quickly replaced, so, it doesn’t matter. And the kid who has empty parties only family goes, and only because it’s mandatory. I’m the second kind.

Did I mention I’m getting older? Well, friends become important, and recently, because of the lawsuit I’m starting for my official name change, something TS girls have to do ( I want every single sissy in the world to listen to this… do your forced fem fantasies include having to start several lawsuits just to get your fem status recognized by the state, so you can have proper Ids, and credit cards with your name on it? ), and here in Brazil, it’s a particularly cruel process. Because, this far, only a very select group of close friends ever knew I am a TS woman. And for you to change your name, from a masculine to a feminine one, here in Brazil, well, the judge will require a testimony from several people in my relationship ring, that they do not oppose by any means that I change my name. It’s a very symbolic thing to represent that I am only allowed this change if society agrees, to the point it means all it’s needed is a single person to implode my lawsuit, saying they oppose.

That also means, I am forced to come open to many people who had no idea, nor needed to know I am a gender disphoric woman, and this is opening a pandora box I felt I had closed shut years ago, bringing up the question if this box will ever be closed shut enough. But the weird thing is, some people just disappeared and went away as friends. Others, simply became over friendly. Some fashion people to be exact, I think they also have the wrong drift that a TS woman is super-gay, more gay than a makeup artist that goes drag queen saturday night. Which made me VERY uncomfortable, but they were also business contacts, so, I tried to suck it up and endure as “part of the bones and nasty bits of business”.

But I am someone who doesn’t like fake friendships, people you only relate to in a business networking sense, but pose as real friends concerned with your life and so on. I mean, I’m ok to talk business over a meal, as long as we talk business. But these people try to drag you into a lifestyle I am not in, not comfortable with, not mine. See and be seen, go to the right places, eat on the right restaurants, talk to the right people, be “friends” with the right professionals, become a integral part of the business in a way I dislike. You see, I’m old fashioned, if I call you friend, you can count with me on a rainy friday night to go look after you in a hospital because your loved one is traveling away. And when someone says they’re friends, I expect kind of the same, that they care. Regardless of distance and problems, I care for all my friends, sometimes I catch myself worrying how they’re doing, and so on. And I don’t want to change, and feel I’m becoming hypocritical, by treating someone who is just a co-worker and business contact, as my best friend in the world, for the sake of this twisted business networking that goes around in the fashion, cinema and so many other businesses. I have a friend in the movie industry who started smoking pot, because the right people smoked pot, and if he wanted to have them as guests in his home, he had to provide it, and also, smoke it. I am not fit for this.

So, to just be sure, I turned my birthday dinner in a local bar, into some sort of test. I sent emails to all my friends in a 400km radius, to see who would care. Who would say happy birthday, who would reply saying they can’t come, but would love to, and who would just ignore it. Turns out I have the same handful of friends I had some 8 years ago.

My oldest friend, phoned me, and knowing we were traveling the weekend, tried to meet us there, but couldn’t. But he tried. My favorite makeup person in the world world, because she’s one of my favorite people ever, phoned saying she couldn’t, because she was working. But that’s pretty much it. A friend travelled 400km to be with us, another came to the restaurant, and many chairs were empty. All the fashion people who were surrounding me, were simply not going, and not telling me why, just to find out, in twitter and facebook that they were all elsewhere, in the right places, with the right people, seeing and being seen. Did I mention I booked my birthday dinner in an off-circuit bar on purpose? But only about 600m from the right places. No spotlight, but no big effort to show up. And nobody did.

So, am crossing fashion from my work portfolio. It’s about time, I am no good at that. Not the photography, because I know how good I am, but the whole need for networking, and social life that comes with it, the parties, the events, the theater plays and the stardust that seems to be a requirement.

From now on, am working Flavors and Faces, in a short, food photography, portraits and so on, in a professional level, but no longer fashion, due to the overhead that is associated with that. Fetish will come as a passion, but since I don’t make money out of it, I can use it to explore my creativity, without having to handle all the BS that comes out of the fashion industry.

Another year is gone

You grow older, you feel another year went by since you first stepped into this reality we call world, and you know you have one year less to live. To live your dreams, and let go of your fears, to the fullest.

Will be posting new things here, didn’t give up on the blog, just total lack of time and each post takes me a few hours to sort, organize and write, so, that’s why :) Watch out for new things. Now, if you excuse me, I’ll enjoy my Bday trip with the woman I love :)

Notebook Down! Notebook Down!

Ok, my notebook yesterday just went in for an AppleCare revision. Some problems were happening, it may even be replaced. By long story short, I have a new photoshoot to post here, to explain how the lighting was done, all with hot shoe flashes, things you all can have done at home with little investment.

So, let’s hope for a quick return of my notebook, so I can keep posting from my lap, right now, am borrowing time on my loved one’s computer to have this quick message for you written ;)

Have a great week,

Jessica

PS: Any photographers out there, do you advise the MacBook Pro 13″ with 2.53Ghz CPU?

Hilarious

Lady Arrakis was kind enough to post this on RubberPal, am cracking myself seeing ;)